ABELE QUAD—While the current coronavirus outbreak will most likely not seriously impact their lives, Duke students have relished the opportunity to once again portray Chinese people as disease carrying vermin coming in droves to infect Americans.
“The international students always talking amongst themselves in Chinese, so how can you know what they’re really hiding?” senior Kyla Johnson speculated, glossing over the fact that her family concealed their tuberculosis condition when they arrived on Ellis Island a century ago.
“I swear I won’t be eating Panda Express until this blows over — how do you know if that orange chicken is really chicken and not some weird, wild animal?” junior Josh Quinn declared before returning to a frat house that gets filled with vomit every weekend, leading to the growth of a bacterial culture Quinn respects more than Chinese culture.
Students across campus could be overheard anxiously discussing the coronavirus news while coughing intensely without covering their mouths from colds that were “basically over.”
In other news, a CDC survey shows that 81% of Americans believe blaming foreigners to be a more effective deterrent to infectious diseases than vaccinating themselves.