DUKE UNIVERSITY—In recognition of its cherished and crucial role as the voice of the people, The Fluke has decided to officially endorse a candidate for what may be the most consequential election North Carolina has ever seen: DSG President. Though there are many contenders vying for the coveted position, the editors of The Fluke see only one real option: Dilbert Anchovy. Meet the man with plans to revolutionize Duke in an exclusive interview with one of our editors below:
It is 48 degrees when Dilbert Anchovy and I meet. Durham, bustling as always, could be mistaken for Manhattan by visiting passerby. Wearing a white suit and black air forces, Dilbert settles into a chair.
“Damn, it got my suit wet,” cries Dilbert in his typically impassioned tone, one which will surely translate well to the gilded offices of the DSG. He turns around, revealing a large gray splotch on his backside. “How am I supposed to get my headshots now? My LinkedIn fans will be pissed.” Impressively, Dilbert takes the DSG job as seriously as he takes his LinkedIn. “I really just want spicy soy nuggets, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen and give the people what they want.”
The vests you all got? For free? My idea. Panera cinnamon crunch bagel? I did that. I remind Dilbert that he did not actually invent the cinnamon crunch bagel, to which he replies, “And? I never said I made them. I just made them cool. I also started that initiative where you get free bagels at 4:20… That’s not a thing? Oh no.”
Dilbert is in it for the right reasons. When asked why he should win over the other candidates, he replies, “Look at me, then look at them. I was actually invited to be in Sway House but I turned them down because I really want to make a change here.”
While we discuss his policy initiatives and ethos—“I’m trying to dispel the notion that hot guys can’t be class presidents. What do you mean, who says that? At least, like, four people have told me that” —Dilbert’s phone buzzes. “Urgent call. I’ve gotta take this,” he explains as he starts pacing. The gravity with which he takes each call speaks to his dedication to the goings-on of Duke. “Shoots is open? Say less,” he says, and sprints back to campus, his still-stained white suit and baseball hat flapping in the wind.
Rapid Fire Interview:
Favorite color: United Nations Blue. I’m a slut for some human rights.
Go-to Bella Union Order: Mint tea with two pumps of orange syrup.
Celebrity crush: No homo, but Dilbert from that comic strip. That’s actually who I was named after. For real though? I’d say Mary Berry. She’s bad.
Place he most wants to travel: Canada. I’ve heard it’s quaint and wonderful. Or Durham—I’ve never left campus.
Who he most wants to see in concert: Lil Jon.
Best memory at Duke: Waking up early for the annual multicultural pancake parade. (“I won best-dressed, featherweight pancake category!”)
Favorite book: Forrest Gump. That’s a book, right?