Fluke Investigates: All pre-os canceled, but they didn’t even say anything that offensive?


DURHAM, NC—When the headline “In-person pre-orientation programs canceled for August” appeared in my Facebook feed, this reporter was thoroughly confused. What did the pre-os do to warrant them the same status as Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby?


Our primary suspect was P-Waves. Known for their Key 3 recruits and Vineyard Vines, we began to investigate the dancing Tik Toks they used to post to see whether or not one of them lip-synced a racial slur or two. However, when we checked, they all seemed clean. No crying apology videos, no hate comments calling them racist. Nothing.


Maybe it’s the #MeToo movement to blame for this cancellation. If this is true, the #MeToo movement has gone too far. How can we as a society function when innocent frat boys are persecuted for roofying just one or five girls? It seems unlikely that President Price would ever hold every econ major to such a high standard. Without the occasional Shooter’s incidents, no one would cry at the Me Too Monologues. Therefore, we concluded that rushing DSig is not a cancellable offense, and it was time to turn our attention to the other Pre-Os.


Not P-Search and P-Edge, however. After doing much investigation, it is still unclear what they are or if anyone signs up for them. P-Arts is quirky but more painting-the-bridge quirky instead of defacing-the-LSRC-mural quirky.


Next was P-Wild. If they can go nine days without showering, who knows what they might say. Emotionally, it was devastating to hear that they took shots out of the same shovels they used to bury their excrement. But realistically, it wasn’t a cancellable offense. To those pfrosh who signed up for P-Wild wondering how they will meet all the other students with daddy issues, don’t worry. You can usually find them in Pegram.


Moving on in our investigation, the worst thing P-Build has done was probably their Halloween costume party. No, unlike normal Halloween parties, they didn’t have mild to racist stereotyping and cultural appropriation. But, they didn’t invite me. Hurtful? Yes. Cancellable? No.


For now, it seems like pre-os are canceled for good. Although it may seem like they haven’t done anything too bad, it’s hard to tell between the upset comments of those trying to relive their pre-o glory days and angry parents who wanted to get rid of their kids a week early. All we know for now is that whatever they did must be worse than whatever Shooters did—at least Shooters has a GoFundMe.