DURHAM, NC– In a stunning display of courage, [name redacted because their parents threatened to sue] Fraternity hosted an event to raise awareness for a disease I forgot the name of. Throughout the event, brothers were brave enough to paint their nails, for the itty bitty asking price of $200. These must be some forward-thinking men, to only have to be paid $200 to paint their nails. I wouldn’t be caught dead with painted nails. I wouldn’t even paint them for four years of tuition. So, I mean, who wouldn’t pay the miniscule price of $200 to see some brothers paint their nails? It’s so woke (or progressive? Or both?)!
Upon being asked about how he became comfortable with painting his nails, [name redacted, see above] said, “You know, some people might think that this makes me gay. But I’m not. I’m just a forward thinking straight man who’s incredibly comfortable with—” He could not finish his sentence, as he broke into tears, presumably tears of happiness. Through his sobs, he managed to get out, “Oh god. Oh god. I’m never gonna get laid.” He was very brave.
All said and done, this reporter has a lot of hope for this generation to change the world. If we can raise $200 just for painting our nails, imagine what else we can do!