Fraternity vows to reach carbon neutrality in response to hurricane canceling darty

DURHAM, NC––Hurricane Ian recently swept its way up the East coast, wrecking houses, property and people. The aforementioned victims, however, stand in the shadow of a much graver crime –– the cancellation of an Alpha Delta Phi party. Steve Schelling (Trinity ’24) laid out AdPhi’s new environmental policy in response to the tragedy.


“This is war. We just ordered 10,000 Earth Cups even though they're hella ugly,” he said, before aggressively rubbing a sliver of cocaine from his nose. “Mother Nature just made a very powerful ally.”


AdPhi’s story is also one of redemption. When confronted about recently leaked footage of Schelling urinating on a Duke Climate Coalition poster, he appeared dumbfounded. “Is that some sort of club? I just like peeing on things.”






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