Frats go virtual, see huge drop in dues as lawsuit payouts decrease


DURHAM, NC — Kappa Alpha Order recently published a decrease in membership dues, despite losing more than 20 members to academic probation this past calendar year.


The source of these astronomical savings? KA has experienced a massive drop in sexual assault charges since the beginning of their virtual 2020-21 party schedule.


“We used to be running at an absolutely righteous clip of 4 lawsuit threats per party,” said chapter president Jimson Gundertiger. “Now we get the occasional complaint about excessive flirtation over zoom chat. That’s about it. We’ve saved hundreds on hush money.”


“Maybe sexism really IS bad for me,” Gundertiger said. “My dad just saved enough on my dues that he was able to buy me a new pet monkey.” The ripple effect of this drop in dues has been great for the fraternity’s morale, according to Gundertiger.


“The savings have paved the way for a ton of fun themed events,” he said. “Just this weekend, the boys had a contest to come up with the coolest internet slang. We were hucking around words like ‘incel’ and ‘pogchamp’ the same way we normally huck around our big, sweaty bodies. It was actually kind of liberating.”


Gundertiger says this was the frat’s most respectful party in years.


“Ever since we became e-boys, girls just don’t feel threatened by us,” he said. “Some of the guys were pretty down about that at first. Everything kind of feels limp-dick when the girls are comfortable, you know? But now that a few months have passed, we’ve realized that making women feel unsafe doesn’t have to be our only goal.”


Since the savings began, some KA brothers are reportedly discussing the idea that sexism might be bad. Gundertiger says that for him, it’s still an open question.


“Shit, sexism has cost me like six thousand dollars in legal charges,” Gundertiger said. “Of course, it’s also given me limitless fearmongering power over young boys and women. And that’s priceless.”