Freshman nailed to cross introduces himself with capital ‘H’ He/Him/His pronouns


GILES PARTY, ROOM 203—In effort to be more progressive, this Duke freshman, who entered the room nailed to a wooden cross, introduced himself with his name followed by capital ‘H’ He/Him/His pronouns.


“I get it. It’s 2020. And first impressions matter,” said the class of 2024 student who had to clean up the blood dripping from His feet and hands after introducing Himself. He continued, “I don’t know anyone here and really want to have some cool and fulfilling college friendships. I can’t have them thinking that I’m some sort of religious-right nut job who’s too closed minded to normalize pronoun usage.”


The other partygoers appreciated the gesture, one particular student reporting, “the pronouns were really nice and thoughtful. As a non-binary student, it means a lot to hear him— I’m sorry, Him— put in the effort like that. See, even I’m not perfect with pronouns yet.”


The prospective Econ major also received stellar reviews from his roommate who claimed, “the dude is totally sick. He turned my water into wine and then He explained to me how much of a privilege it was that I never had to think about my own pronouns or worry about which pronouns others will use for me. I just can’t say nice enough things about Him. He explained the complicated history of misgendering those around us and then cured my mother’s blindness.”


The freshman was last seen considering a new option. “After a discussion in my GSF class, I really think I was neglecting big parts of my identity, like my father and The Holy Spirit. I think I should be using They/Them pronouns,” He said.