Freshman unsure where to sit in marketplace, as if we’re not all slowly dying



MARKETPLACE, EAST CAMPUS—Sources report that freshman Rick Kleinman is anxiously searching both Marketplace dining rooms for a familiar face, as if everyone in the building doesn’t have another paltry 60 years left on this Earth at best.


“Anyone at Marketplace?” texted the potential Political Science major to a group chat of students from his dorm who will leave this planet too soon, a group bound together by the very fear that defines the human experience - the common consciousness of their own mortality.


“This booth is already full,” responded Sophie Morgan, a fellow freshman whose memory will inevitably be effaced by that unforgiving and forgetful leviathan of time, to Kleinman’s request to dine with her group.


Kleinman continued searching the cafeteria, looking for any slowly deteriorating body with which he had enough prior contact to warrant eating a meal with.


At press time, Kleinman is taking his plate of pizza, grilled chicken, and frozen yogurt down a flight of stairs to eat in Trinity Cafe alone, mirroring his eventual descent into the grave.