DURHAM, NC—Following the 5th sinkhole-related death in 300 Swift this academic year, Duke HRL has moved on from the years-long project of making 300 Swift the most dangerous apartment complex in North Carolina, citing their ambition to affect students’ mental health as harshly as their physical health.
“We’re beginning to prepare for campus-wide projects,” said an HRL spokesperson. “Originally, we’d intended for Hollows to be a luxury complex; the idea was to make most students who weren’t living there feel hollow. Turns out we’re not really good at making good living spaces, though.”
HRL staff have reportedly been spotted breaking students’ windows with rocks. “I saw one of them throw a squirrel at my neighbor’s window. It’s been bloodstained for a while,” said Rupert Singer (T ‘24.) Many students have reported suspected break-ins. “I got woken up at 3 AM by some guy wearing a clown mask whispering weird things in my ear. It sounded like Russian. Also, all of my condoms were missing; I found a note saying ‘it’s not like you’d use them anyways’ posted up on my wall.”
In the latest HRL development, Vincent Price has been found living in the Kilgo laundry room.