DURHAM, NC—Almost halfway through the second semester, Duke students far and wide have begun to find their summer plans. Econ majors will achieve their lifelong goal to vape on Wall Street, pre-meds will learn that they’ll never truly be happy, and the parents of humanities students will hope their kids are just “going through a phase.” But not for Jake Greene, who recently announced that he will do Summer Session I at Duke because he couldn’t find an internship. In a lengthy Facebook post, the current sophomore boasted about how he’ll “cruise through Orgo 2” this summer after being denied interviews to intern with three Duke laboratories. Greene also tweeted, “While you losers are doing grunt work for assistants, I’ll be furthering my academic career. Beat that!” Unlike all the students who will get to enjoy the luxuries of finding housing off $75-per-week salaries only to fetch coffee for their bosses and update their LinkedIn profiles, Greene will get to live in the Mirecourt house off campus without any friends and smoke marijuana as he finishes his problem sets in his bedroom. Sweet! Greene’s move follows those of students who were forced to participate in Spring Breakthrough at Duke after their parents wouldn’t pay for their flights to Miami.
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