DURHAM, NC –– We’ve all met him. That impeccably dressed, dark-haired stud. His presence smells like the cigarette and croissant he had for breakfast, and the sensuality in his eyes is palpable. In theory, he’s the perfect guy –– until you remember the irrefutable fact that all European men are gay.
“But I’m not gay,” he will say with that accent that likely isn’t real anyway. The Pew Research Center’s landmark study last year proving that British accents were just “people doing a bit” for 200+ years has shaken international relations at its core.
“Sure thang, Francesco,” says John Pattoucli (T’23). John later confessed it was hard to pretend he didn’t see the way the European man was crossing his legs right now. The Europeans may fight it, but no man wearing tailored pants can be straight if we are to follow the sociolinguistic research of the past millennia.
And if he ever convinces you to disregard his sexual confusion, remember that it’s best to run away before he gives you a European STD (they’re like American ones except when you get a prescription to get rid of them they write a constitution in protest).
Despite their indubitable sexual orientation, being irresistibly attracted to the feminine charm of European men is understandable. What they say is true –– you want what you can't have. And even if this person’s ancestors are responsible for most people’s independence days, the only independent variable is that dick print he makes sure you can see.