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“I’ve come a long way:” student reflects on victory in ejaculation competition.


DURHAM, NC—There exist various activities through which young men on Duke’s campus get to loosen the pressure valve on their pent-up hormonal angst: ostentatiously shirtless spikeball on a quadrangle outside your window, attempting to visibly flex a pectoral muscle in a gym mirror, or perhaps by imposing unwanted pheromones on girls in Shooters II.


A merry throng of young greek-associated gentlemen, however, recently opted for a somewhat unconventional alternative method which they hope will shoot to prominence. Rather than trying their hand at any of the aforementioned hobbies– all three of which happen to be particularly popular among fraternity brothers– they instead applied their respective dominant hands vigorously to their own genitalia in hopes of being crowned the inaugural champion of this new tradition.


In a basement below a house close to East Campus lies a heavily stained ten-foot tape measure, at the very end of which the winning droplet can be found. The producer of this prizewinning pearl of penile precipitation was none other than Richard Harding, who, rather fittingly, was top seed heading into the competition. One other competitor actually managed to beat Richard’s distance (in the process beating the entire length of the tape measure), but was controversially disqualified thereafter since the “beating” was performed by another brother and not himself.


“There’s absolutely nothing homoerotic about it! It’s just a bunch of guys being guys,” exclaimed the president of the fraternity, entirely unprompted.


The event itself is said to have been one to remember, with exposed chests, gentle caresses and the early albums of Taylor Swift featuring prominently. A freshman in the organization noted many parallels between the competition and much of the pledging process, with the only differences being that there were “a few fewer goats and significantly less feces” involved.


Whilst it has not been officially revealed to anyone, it is expected that this will be a bi-annual competition.

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