DURHAM, NC—“I’ve tried everything,” sighed Michael James (T’ 23). Michael, who has even worn five-inch inseam shorts in an attempt to attract women, has only gotten hornier with every failed attempt.
Finding a mate is a difficult yet necessary task for many Duke students, and especially tough when your only personality trait is being a Computer Science major. Many men have tried a variety of means—joining an intramural sport, wearing a backwards hat, pretending to like Lana del Rey— to fulfill their biological need for female companionship. Instead of partaking in conversation or inviting women out to coffee, some have resorted to the famed black nail polish look.
“Look, it’s been months; can’t you let a player get some?” adds an anonymous, black-nail-wearing contributor.
It’s no secret that men will go to extreme lengths to “acquire females.” However, it seems as if even the most desperate men still won’t resort to seeing women as three-dimensional people.
Editor’s note: Since publication of this article, it appears that all females have been courted by cottage-core lesbians. Better luck next time, men.
