DURHAM, NC—A truly sustainable future is only becoming more tangible after today, University administration implemented the new “Give No Sheets” policy. Staff worked hard overnight to successfully remove all toilet paper products from every single bathroom on campus. From now on, the use of wasteful toilet paper will be banned from campus restrooms indefinitely. Inside stalls where the toilet paper dispensers once hung are new QR codes that, when scanned, will link to a YouTube video of the Duke Blue Devil mascot wiping his ass. Vice Provost and psychology professor Gary Bennett assured students that the video would achieve a “placebo effect,” virtually the same as if one were to actually wipe their ass. As the first school to implement this type of policy, Duke is now a pioneer in sustainable living.
Vice Provost Mary Pat McMahon was as giddy as can be when interviewed for comment. “This policy will substantially reduce Duke’s carbon footprint, and we couldn’t be more proud of our ‘Green Devils’ as they embark on a new journey of placing environmentalism over personal hygiene.” McMahon admitted that the policy took a long time to implement, as many “close-minded, selfish colleagues are resistant to change,” but it should come natural to many as Pratt students already abstain from wiping. McMahon is pleased that she can now focus on more important matters, such as including four extra sets of utensils in every dining mobile order.
Assistant Dean of Students Michele Armstrong announced that Duke will have a “no-excuses” policy regarding illicit use of toilet paper in the restrooms. Dean Armstrong revealed that she would make it her personal duty to review security camera footage of the restrooms, as she often already does for pleasure, to ensure that any violators will be appropriately punished through expulsion.
Forget about your ass getting wiped and start thinking about your ass getting kicked as the Blue Devils Football team prepares for another game this weekend.