C1 BUS, CAMPUS DRIVE—This morning, at 8:17 a.m., an atrocious tragedy occurred. Onlookers were shocked as the unthinkable occured as the C1 passed the Nasher Art Museum (more commonly known as “that place I’ve been meaning to visit.”) Surrounded by dozens of depressed freshmen with nothing behind their eyes, local disgusting, selfish, no-good, trash vermin Kayleigh Williams (Trinity ‘24) pulled the Stop Request cord.
Kayleigh “sick-in-the-head-wacko” Williams seemed to be an otherwise normal, upstanding citizen. She put her pants on one leg at a time and groaned at the idea of rolling Devine’s, just like anyone else. Or so we thought. We are once again shocked and disappointed to see good people do terrible things.
All eyes were on the malicious perpetrator of this criminal act as the C1 slowed to a stop outside the Smith Warehouse. Williams received scattered glares as she moved through the crowd that was squished shoulder to shoulder, off-white khaki to off-white khaki, vintage Duke pullover to vintage Duke pullover. She pushed through the crowd like a sweaty engineer slinking through the Shooters floor.
Aaron Grimly (Pratt ‘25) was present at the crime scene when it occurred. He reports, “I was sick to my stomach when I heard the Stop Request bell ding. I thought that we as a community were better than this.” This crime against humanity has otherwise been described as “twisted,” “vulgar,” and “a violation of basic human rights deserving its own course at The Kenan Institute.”
Shortly after, the C1 bus driver shifted into sports mode and caught air on the upcoming speed bump.