It’s not a “self-care” day, you’re just single

DURHAM, NC—Isabel Solita (Trinity ‘25) got a manicure, put on an avocado sheet mask, and thought to herself—why am I so desperately lonely? Isabel is not alone in being alone. Upwards of 69% of the student body find themselves approaching February 14th utterly single. In an attempt to mitigate this solitude, many will find themselves subscribing to the ritual of a self-care day.


Local CVS cashier Danny Roberts weighed in: “Everyday closer to Valentine’s is a day I see more Lavender-infused sheet masks flying off the shelves. Occasionally you’ll get a girl who buys Plan B. Nice. Both those groups are definitely mutually exclusive.”


The influx of health and beauty influencers telling people to take a “self-care day” and “take yourself on a date” have the latent assumption of your utter and total celibacy. The male equivalent—listening to Joe Rogan while reading a Tony Robbins book—has permeated the singles' zeitgeist.


John Vaughn, Director of Student Health, said “We acknowledge the difficulty of being single, especially in February—and it’s a lot of you guys considering all the condom bowls are still full. Maybe try the dating devils thing, I heard that’s pretty hype.”


But who knows? Maybe that rose-infused face mask will give you enough glow that the guy in your Bio lab will notice you, and your femcel era will come to an end. Maybe not. In the meantime, maybe put away the cucumber slices, yeah?




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