Keohane painting removed, student still crushingly anxious



DURHAM, NC—Midterm season has ended early, or so Keohane 4B residents thought after witnessing the removal of a painting deemed a cause of significant anxiety. Unfortunately, they are all still plagued by thoughts of self-hatred.


The piece, entitled “Untitled 1”, depicted a man wearing a hat and collared shirt. But according to Keohane resident Lyndsay Marshall, “there was something deeper, and far darker, hiding in his eyes.” According to Marshall, many students initially celebrated the removal; “it was like a weight had been lifted off of our collective Duke community. It was like a brand new Duke.”


However, this brand new Duke—much like its students’ commitment to lunch plans—almost immediately evaporated. “I don’t understand it.” Marshall contemplated a week later. “The painting is gone, but somehow I still feel a sense of profound existential dread. Maybe I should go gluten-free?”


When asked about possibly making substantive lifestyle changes to address her anxiety, Marshall responded that an easier solution might be to simply remove “those creepy faceless pictures” in West Union. At press time, she was suffering a series of panic attacks.