DURHAM, N.C.—Months of rumors and accusations can finally be put to rest after the true source of Kilgo’s laundry robberies was discovered to be a group of tiny itsy bitsy wittle people living in the building’s walls.
Residence Coordinator Nick Bhamini expressed her satisfaction that the ordeal was finally over. “After all this talk about police and cameras, I was worried we were actually gonna have to get involved!”
The discovery came after student Daniel Freed (Trinity ‘24) noticed a shrill screaming noise while removing a sock from the dryer.
“I looked closely and noticed a little woman dangling from my Nike Elite. And I’m not talking about one of Louisa May Alcott’s timeless young March sisters—I mean a literal tiny woman the size of my thumb. I flicked her off when, all of a sudden, I was hit by a barrage of miniature arrows shot by a row of petite archers on top of the washers.”
Freed did not overcome the injuries he sustained and passed away approximately 10 minutes after he was reached for comment.
Contrary to the circulating rumors, the fire department was called to the Kilgo laundry room the following night, not because of a dryer malfunction, but for a detonation that obliterated the colony of pocket-sized scum. Few Quad, however, was not spared from ignited dryer lint. Read our piece on one young Baldwin scholar’s harrowing rescue of her houseplants.