DURHAM, NC—A leaked draft of Duke Dining’s “targeted” food point budgeting email generously offers gastric balloons to students in order to help them conserve food points. The balloons—emblazoned with the Blue Devil logo—are inserted into gluttonous food point users’ stomachs by overzealous pre-med students or “anyone who wants to give it a shot.” All Duke asks in return? Students must attend one (1) football game.
The proposed solution has garnered mixed reactions. Some students, such as Christie Werther, wonder if the gastric balloons are ‘drastic enough.’ “I heard that Harvard students can just get their stomachs cut in half,” notes Werther, who is currently down 231 food points.
Others have qualms with being required to attend the football game, calling it a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Noah Smithers (Pratt ‘25), who often sobs upon viewing the food point usage chart, declared that he’s “so excited” to get a balloon inserted into his stomach by his peers, but ponders why he can’t do that without having to “endure the pain and emotional turmoil” of watching Duke football. “It just seems harsh,” concludes Smithers before swallowing a tapeworm, his temporary solution until the gastric balloons become widely available.
Overall, however, Duke Dining seems to view the initial reception of the email as a success. Robert Coffey, executive director of Duke Dining, says a slogan for the intervention has already been crafted. “Duke Dining: We’re inside you!” shared Coffey with a wink as his fistful of helium-filled gastric balloons carried him off to his next meeting, where he will encourage food truck operators to drive away should a student approach.