NEW YORK, NY—The streets of the capital of the world are empty as bankers, street performers, and rats the size of Cuomo’s head all shelter in place. Another thing that will be notably absent from the Big Apple this summer: you. An anonymous incoming Goldman Sachs intern complained, “I’ve been looking forward to this for years. When I was younger, my sister and I would play these games where I was the banking system, and she was the American public. And then I’d just beat the shit out of her. Just destroy her. You could say I was too big to fail. So yeah, I’m heartbroken.” The would-be intern paused to spit on a baby in a stroller walking by before continuing. “I guess there’s no such thing as karma.” Right. And so as you ask yourself why bad things happen to good people, consider the following: you go to Duke. You’re not good people.