NEW YORK, N.Y.—This past week, 26-year-old Amaya Jacobs was found murdered in a less-gentrified part of the city. Police say the suspect is an unidentified man aged around age 30. While police claim to be actively searching for the perpetrator, Jacobs’ friends and family have been holding candlelight vigils, tearfully calling for her murderer to be found and prosecuted.
Floating ominously above a sofa, Jacobs’ ghost took the initiative to host a press conference from the living room of her childhood home.
When asked for more details about her murderer, Jacobs was distraught to report she hadn’t recognized the man’s face at all. “He didn’t seem like an ex-boyfriend, acquaintance, relative, or anything. And that’s really worrying to me.”
Jacobs was concerned that her murder, if deemed completely random and not “juicy”, would fall through the cracks of internet fame. “I don’t care about prosecution, or whatever, so I’m pinning my hopes on a Squarespace podcast advertisement in my honor!” she exclaimed loudly, bringing gusts of mysterious cold air into the room.
According to host Gretchen Fitzgerald of the popular true-crime podcast, “Murders n’ Mukbangs,” Jacobs is unlikely to get her last wish fulfilled.
“Look, she’s really pale now, but at the end of the day, she wasn’t white, so there’s not going to be much mileage there.”