Long distance hack: Break up



LAS VEGAS, NV—So it’s been three months since you saw your boyfriend. You were madly in love in March, of course, except for when he stood you up at Div Caf and you had to sit at those stupid long tables alone. But now he only talks to you between League games to ask you for ass pics. Not to mention he completely forgot your four-month and three week anniversary. While all your single friends are collecting boys on Snapchat like pokemon cards, he’s leaving you on delivered while his Snap score steadily rises.


The answer is, of course, to fuck his best friend. However, due to the slight complication that is the national pandemic that led to you being separated in the first place, this won’t happen. The second-best answer is to break up with him. Of course, you can do better than him—when you went to Mcdonalds he only let you order off the dollar menu even though his parents paid for food plan C. He still has Tinder on his phone so he can “find more female friends”. Not to mention his snap location shows that he’s at his ex’s house four days a week. When you confronted him about it, he said you were the psycho one for adding her mom on Facebook and then using reverse google image search on Zillow.


It’s hard to imagine someone better than a skinny white boy with curly brown hair and a nicotine addiction. He did give you a half-used mango Juul pod on your birthday. Well, “give” is a strong word. He let you take a hit off of his mango Juul pod. But you should also remember when he yelled at you when you used his hairbrush. Sure you may have used the DNA on it to test for his genetic predispositions to illnesses, but it was so unreasonable of him to threaten you with a restraining order when he found out.


He may be a strong 6 out of 10 on a good day, but don’t you remember when he made a playlist for a girl 6 years before he met you? And don’t you remember how ungrateful he was when you legally changed your name to match hers? You were just saving him the time and energy of making a new playlist.


The next question, of course, is what will you do with your time now that you don’t have someone else relying on you? You could read a good book, go on a picnic, climb a tree, fake a new identity, and make some meaningful art. Do what makes you happy for a change.


So break up with him, and let yourself experience the bone-chilling thrill of matching with your childhood bully on Tinder instead.