WEST CAMPUS—Okay, you’re probably worried about upcoming midterms? Global Pandemic always on your mind? Maybe your grandma is sick—I don’t know and to be honest, I really don’t care. We've got a much bigger problem on our hands: Peaches. We all know that the nine lives thing is a hoax and let's be honest, the consumption of puke and dropped Pitchfork’s has probably shaved a few years off her one life. Now is the time to start thinking about what we should do with her body, because god forbid we let the Facebook group decide and end up burying her in the ground with all the other forgotten dead things.
Peaches is a legend, a timeless centerpiece for Duke’s campus. And as such, a possible resting place could be one that rivals her own prestige and fame on campus—the chapel. Definitely not inside as we ALL know Peaches is an atheist, but rather strung above the door, within reaching distance so people can get a pet as they walk in but also high enough so that she is not blocked in photos.
Another possible option could be on the fifth floor of McClendon Tower. The floor could be refurbished as a memorial for Peaches, with her lifeless body embalmed in a specified location within the room. This location boasts great lighting, room for a service, and is a good option overall.
Another spot I might suggest would be within a glass box, partly submerged in the garden’s koi pond. A beautiful and unique tribute to a truly beautiful and unique creature.
Perhaps, we just let people rent out her body from the library.
Let us know if you like any of these suggestions and if you have any other ideas for where Peaches' body should reside once her soul passes.
Oh, and not any of this “in the ground” shit, let’s be fucking respectful.