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Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people

DURHAM, N.C.—Controversy arose on campus yesterday as Duke Administration announced that they would be reinstating the recently ended mask mandate for the rest of the semester. However, this may not be newsworthy for many Duke students, as the mandate now only applies to ugly people.

“It was just too awkward having to look at their faces,” explained Provost Sally Kornbluth. “For the most part, it was refreshing seeing how everybody looked without the mask. There are so many nice smiles I never had the pleasure of seeing. But this campus is full of mouth-breathing goblins, and their ugly little mugs just ruined it for everybody else. Naturally, I had no choice. This needed to be done.”

You may be wondering, “How do I know if this mask mandate applies to me?” Lucky for you, we can help you out. Find a mirror and look at your reflection before asking, “Am I ugly?” You’re gonna think, “Of course I’m not!” Now here’s the kicker: look at yourself again. Come on, be honest. Are you really all that? Nope, you’re maybe a 6, and I mean on a good day. That’s right, just admit it. Time to mask up.

In other news about masking, the Sophomore Class Council was recently indicted for covering up the embezzlement of thousands of University dollars as members pocketed the funds they requested for “class bonding events” that nobody attended. Pretty smart if you ask us.



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