DURHAM, N.C.—Duke mathematics faculty may be well-versed in number theory and tanking the GPAs of undergraduates, but there’s one problem they can’t seem to solve: the Duke Difference.
University math professors were tasked with calculating the value as part of a PR campaign to promote the university. So far, they’ve had little luck.
“We’re struggling to find a formula,” admitted Lauren Jonbovi, Ph.D., a member of the research team. “We’ve tried algebra, calculus, discrete math– at this point, we’re not even sure there’s a difference to calculate.”
Data points analyzed include the efficiency of the C-1, improvements made to campus through construction, and the number of times Duke has called itself “a football school.” The mathematicians have found no correlations to student happiness.
Concerned about the lack of progress, the university issued a statement: “We must come together as a community and ignore the overwhelming evidence that the Duke Difference does not exist. In our hearts, we know the truth– that we are objectively better than everyone else.”
When asked about the struggle, President Price replied: “Who needs math? I’ve gotten by just fine without it for years.”