BALDWIN QUAD—A significant crowd has gathered to worship who many are calling “the coming of a new God.” First year student Jackery “John” Williams reportedly exited Giles this morning at 10 AM wearing a simple t-shirt and shorts. This divine figure awed and stupefied fellow students who have never lived through harsh Chicago winters like Jackery.
“I was just heading to the East Campus bus stop bundled up in a sweatshirt, three sweaters and a pair of wool leg warmers when all of the sudden I saw him, like a ray of light piercing through the inky night.” said pathetic Florida-native Jeffrey Lee. “I almost wept right there in front of Marketplace, but the tears would have been too cold for my soft, fragile, emasculated face.”
When this messiah-to-be was questioned on his heroic choice to emerge from his dorm like Jesus reborn, he shared casually, “This is like the tropics compared to back home.” At this point, whoops and cheers emanated from the gathering crowd, and Jackery was asked to kiss babies and sign cleavages. He forged on, “Back home we used to eat, breath, and shit snow from late August to the tail end of April. Anything above 6° Fahrenheit is child's play.” Several women fainted and everyone looked soooo impressed.
Jackery’s other prominent work includes unparalleled bitching about the devilish Carolina summers.