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"No way to prevent this:" Student drowns in Abele Quad puddle

ABELE QUAD, DUKE UNIVERSITY—Adding to the dreariness and depression brought on by the most recent round of storms to hit campus, Kent Schwim (T’27) unfortunately drowned yesterday as the result of an insidiously deceptive Abele Quad Puddle.

As reliable as the two-day changes in seasons, Abele Quad can be trusted to flood to biblical proportions at the smallest introduction of moisture. A by-product of Duke’s well-known, skillful urban planning, the Quad poses the uncanny ability to resist absorbing any moisture; additionally, it lacks any drainage structures. Trent Smith, director of Planning and Design, defended his artistic vision, saying,  “Drains are just nasty, unappealing, and interrupt the feng shui of the Quad. I make no apologies and I regret nothing.”

The student body has adapted to the challenges brought by these weather patterns, often opting to wait for low tide before crossing the Quad or charting bathymetric maps to log water depths. Unfortunately, the inexperienced landlubber is more susceptible to mistakes and confusion using these methods. 

This apparent mistake cost Schwim his life as he attempted to hurriedly traverse the Quad to pick up his Skillet order before it was stolen. While following a seemingly shallow path, Schwim took a slight misstep and fell into a trench. Many students observing from shore saw Schwim disappear into the deep. Despite lifeguard intervention, Schwim could not be saved; scuba teams later recovered his body, which a bull shark had seemingly snacked on.

President Price released a Letter from the President lamenting this campus tragedy while emphasizing the freak nature of such an incident, highlighting that there was “no way to prevent this.” Price pledged future measures such as the distribution of inflatable rafts to students and the installation of a lighthouse on top of WU. 



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