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Official: Which puppy is worst?

BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES BUILDING, WEST CAMPUS –– It’s official. After almost three months of puppy fever, the six Canine Cognition Center subjects are being shipped off to Florida, and we’ve done the research on which ones you should miss the most. Remember, this is objective.

  1. Aries –– We all saw this one coming. Good looking, smart, compassionate, a born leader. There was no other spot for Aries to be––his haters would say it’s fake, but he doesn’t have any.

  2. Yolanda –– Yolanda, what a superstar. She radiates calm while still being a total badass. Once, a volunteer said she liked Weston better and Yolanda barked back, “Ok boomer.”

  3. Anya –– If Yolanda and Aries were worse, Anya would be the clear-cut #1. She does her training professionally, but there have been some slip-ups. All-in-all, she’s performed well, maybe she’s bound for work in a retirement facility.

  4. Zina –– Zina is solidly average. She has her ups, but she definitely has her downs. In other words, if she were a state, she’d be Ohio.

  5. Zax –– Similar to the chicken chain Zaxby’s, Zax really tries his best to be like his Chick-fil-a-like siblings, but still makes us question, is the substance real? Luckily for him, he’s just cute enough to get by. Barely.

  6. Weston –– I mean, what are we supposed to say, he’s not even from the same litter. Constantly chasing the squirrels and failing at catching them; always aloof in training sessions; greatly unaware of the burdens left by the 2008 financial crisis. Weston, we want to throw you a bone, but we just can’t. We would NOT want Weston to be our service dog.

Editor’s note: This publication does not consider Ying to meet the qualifications of a puppy.



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