DURHAM, NC—I understand that Duke has financial interests in maintaining its current investments, but as an engaged citizen I feel that it is my responsibility to advocate for Duke to divest from your Mom.
As both an activist and an academic, I have researched the effects that your Mom has on our local community and the health of people across the world. Study after study confirms that your Mom is so fat that the moon orbits around her, causing great environmental harm to the planet.
Quite frankly it is immoral for an institution such as Duke to invest in the woman who birthed you - a woman so stupid that she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.
I’m a proud Blue Devil, which is why I envision a better Duke - a Duke that builds its investments in more ethical entities such as your Dad, brothers, and distant relatives. None of them are so ugly that they can’t even turn on a computer.
Socially responsible endowments may feel unachievable, but if we all demand action we can make a change. It’s time for Duke to divest from your Mom.