PALM BEACH, FL—Most college students see spring break as nothing more than a week to get trashed and fuck around, but not me. For me, it’s always been about introspection and self-discovery. Specifically, the discovery that I have herpes. Alright I’ll admit, I’m sort of lying. I didn’t come to this realization, my doctor did, but that’s not the point. My point is that we should all take some time to reflect individually on what kind of person we believe ourselves to be.
For example, I didn’t think I was the kind of person that could eat an entire russet potato in seven minutes, or insert my genitalia into a rusty swing-set, or fit an entire broom in my [redacted], but I was mistaken. Much like I was mistaken about not having herpes. But the key to self-reflection is to not see these actions as flaws or mistakes, but as learning experiences. Personally, I don’t see my newfound sexual condition as a flaw, but rather as a lesson to always use protection, especially when 200-year-old horse statues are involved. And in the end, how big of a deal could being immuno-compromised be in this day and age?