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Op-ed: My major gives me depression and that's why I'm superior

PHYSICS BUILDING—Are you spending your weekends stressing over problem sets or midterms where the class average is a 50%? If not, move aside all you Sociology and Pub Pol majors, because if you didn’t get crippling depression from your major, how could you even claim you go to Duke?

All you single majors, do you know what it’s like to get fingers with scrapes all over from excessive nail-biting? Or did you know that the 4th floor bathroom in French Science after 9pm is the best place to cry in? Obviously not, because you were too busy doing your three page, double spaced memo with the writing of a third-grader.

While y’all were bullshitting your essays about your feelings and under-loading with 4 classes I was deriving Einstein’s special relativity AND scheduling my weekly nervous breakdowns. Talk about multi-tasking!

Because in a school that is already highly selective, why not up the competitive pressure by taking on notoriously difficult majors just for a look of admiration from our peers while being on Lexapro, Zoloft and Prozac simultaneously?

Did I mention that I am going to J.P. Morgan after graduation where I’ll be worked to death and get a coke addiction? SCORE!



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