Last night, as I was laying in my bed, three feet from my roommate Josh Kolowski, I had the most horrifying realization: I had been waking up—every morning for the past month—next to a man.
As a heterosexual man who is secure in his STRAIGHT sexuality, I don’t know how no one realized this sooner. You’re telling me that you willingly go to sleep with another man every night? That you scratch your balls in the same room that some other male might’ve also scratched HIS balls? I hate to break it to you, but that’s kinda gay.
At first I thought I was overthinking it—that there was no reason to be so freaked out. But us men can never be too careful. Sure, saying “good night” to my roomie before bed isn’t a crime. But if I don’t watch myself, soon I could be on my knees and sucking off Josh Kolowski like he’s a Fiji bottle and I haven’t had water in three days. And after lots of intense thought, I’ve decided that this is maybe a bad thing.
Now that the line between gender norms is being blurred, straight men like me have to take extra steps to avoid being mislabeled as gay. This means only hanging out in groups of women (spending time with more men is gay) and using popular heterosexual language like “work it” (as in doing manual labor) and “slay” (as in slaying your enemies).
So fellas, ditch the male roommate and reclaim your heterosexuality by joining me at the Duke vs Louisville football game on October 28. After all, nothing screams “I’m a straight man” more than cheering for hunky, sweaty guys as they wrestle each other and play with balls. Slay.