Op-ed: What's the point of Duke if I can't have massive orgies?



DURHAM, NC—As Duke announces its plans to bring students to campus amidst the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic, all students should question the value of returning if their time doesn’t resemble the experiences they’ve come to expect. With new guidelines for residence life and social distancing, I’m left wondering: what's the point of Duke if I can't have the massive orgies I’m used to?


Like most students, frequent wild parties involving unrestrained sexual activity with multiple partners define my Duke experience. Is the cost of tuition and housing worth paying if I can’t have fellow students’ hands rubbing against my body at any time of the day, exploring new crevices and delivering me the greatest sexual pleasure I’ve ever known—or worse, if I’m constrained to intercourse with a single partner?


There are certainly other options than confining oneself to a single dorm room for a semester. I’ve always considered taking a gap year, during which I can travel across the world to seek out proceedings marked by unbridled indulgence of bodily passions with multiple strangers and lovers alike. Maybe this is the right time.


I don’t know what this upcoming Fall will look like, but one thing is for sure: Duke without groupsex isn’t a Duke worth my time or money.