DURHAM, NC — Guys, it’s time to get our heads in the game. Under absolutely no circumstances should we let Troy Bolton on this campus.
We’re a basketball school, not a singing school. Troy was really ready to leave his championship dreams behind for what, a spot in a local show? We can’t have him here spreading these ideas. What if we lose Tre Jones to the power of musical theatre?
Also, let’s not forget that he got where he is today by stepping on the necks of other people. We all know that Sharpay and Ryan deserved that part. Troy was a borderline tone-deaf nobody in the East High theatre scene.
Given that Bolton is scheduled to come to Duke on Monday, I’m afraid I’ve gotta go my own way. I don’t think we should give someone who thinks it’s okay to make a girl sacrifice her collegiate dreams for love a platform at our campus. So I propose a massive student protest against Bolton.
Oh, wait, what? You mean John Bolton, President Trump’s former U.S. National Security Advisor, is coming to campus? I'm ok with that.