DURHAM, N.C.— Following Tuesday’s school-wide Residential Assistant (RA) assembly, a new plan has been announced to foster a familial community in freshmen residential dorms. This plan has been introduced as the Hansel & Gretel Scheme, for, “unknown reasons.”
Starting December 2024, RAs will support desperately homesick freshman students by remaking granny’s homemade chocolate chip cookies and inviting them into their otherwise lonely singles. To replicate the feeling of being at granny’s house, your RAs will tell you “that you’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you” and that you “need to eat more.”
RAs from all dorms have built up excitement for this new endeavor by posting signs for their upcoming East Feast event across campus, which is set to take place the week after Thanksgiving.
RAs have also been instructed to keep the true nature of the Hansel & Gretel Scheme under wraps. “I’m just going to take them in and stick them in the oven,” hinted Alspaugh RA Hordan Hamsey (T’ 26.) He made sure to add that they should be nut-free to comply with Duke’s NU-free initiative.
Freshmen have optimistic views of East Feast, hoping it will foster community with their peers and give them a chance to really connect with their RAs. “RAs have started chanting ‘Feast on East’ in order to get as many freshmen in there as possible,” Hamsey said.
However, this community-centered event isn’t just beneficial for the first-years. East Campus RAs have also reported that they have faced difficulty trying to live amongst and fit in with their first-year neighbors. With the Hansel & Gretel Scheme, they plan to redirect their efforts into “making the freshman class fit inside them.” What that means exactly is still up for debate.
The Duke administration, ever on the lookout for liability concerns, has not yet officially commented on the East Feast or the cryptic behavior of the RAs. However, Vice Provost and Vice President of Student Affairs Mary Pat McMahon did personally remark that students shouldn’t worry about the allegedly sinister undertones of the Hansel & Gretel Scheme. “It’s all just good fun,” McMahon said. “Duke values community and inclusion. Just, uh, maybe bring a friend to the feast. You know, for safety.”
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