The Amazon Rainforest, Brazil—After weeks of investigative reporting, The Fluke News is shocked to find that 21.7% of global deforestation is due to Duke students writing messages on their dorm windows.
The scene was a blur of Chainsaws and Chaos. As thousands of lumberjacks worked furiously in twelve hour shifts, the jungle around us slowly disappeared, until it was reduced to a graveyard of stumps.
We spoke with forty-Seven year old lumberjack Albert Fakenamerino. “I was pissed when I found out I’d be relocated from Alaska to the Amazon'', Albert explained, “But then I learned every tree we cut goes to students at Duke to put post-it notes on their windows, and I made my peace with it”. He explained that although this could kill us all, it is a minute price to pay for original window-content like “N U T”.
This reporter agrees: window-plastering is essential. There exists no higher form of communication that we as Duke Students could even dream of using. None. I know I’m not the only student to have shed a tear at beautiful sentiments like, “No Simp Sept.” and “WAP”. They are as equally moving as they are thought provoking. And I would watch the last tree on Earth get cut before losing that.
So, please Duke, keep pumping out the creative content, no matter how many trees it kills. I’ll be here, staring at your windows, patiently waiting.