TRENT HALL—Robert Kaplan, a Trinity junior in Army ROTC, is reportedly excited to take Chinese 305 solely “for the culture.” Kaplan, who will one day use his Chinese knowledge to peddle latent racist tendencies in calling for a new cold war with China, hopes to become proficient in Chinese so he can immerse himself in reading Chinese history.
The future military intelligence officer will end up citing Sun Tzi’s Art of War when petitioning Congress to fund missile bases around China’s periphery.
Kaplan found the latest lesson on chopsticks’ origins especially illuminating: “The Chinese word for chopsticks says a lot about the parent-child relationship between the government and the Chinese people,” describes Kaplan in an Orientalist and inaccurate interpretation that he will nonetheless use to justify FBI witch hunts for Chinese Americans who he thinks are under the “paternalistic influence” of the Chinese government.
At press time, Kaplan, pointed to his Korean girlfriend, stressing to the Fluke reporter that he “hates the Chinese government, not the people.”
