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Short Friends are the New Lap Dogs: How to Get One and Keep Them Happy

DURHAM, NC—As the leaves fall, temperatures drop, and Christian Girl Autumn fits are liberated from the closet, people are flocking to get their fall photoshoots in for Instagram. This ritual is one filled with strife and competition as its participants enter into the unforgiving arena of likes, always trying to outdo the previous year. This year, the newest set piece is a rare and unique commodity: the short friend.

Short friends will offer you a leg up on the competition, but they can be hard to find and maintain. Luckily, we have provided this easy guide so you can get that ‘gram validation:

Step 1: Finding a Short Person

This may come as a surprise, but possible short friends can be found by simply looking down. This can be an eye-opening event as you leave your uncrowded periphery and experience their microcosm of daily life that occurs right under your nose.

Step 2: Befriend Said Short Person

This is the tricky part and requires patience and determination. We suggest following the short candidate during their daily routine and waiting for the time when they need to reach something from the top shelf. Then, pounce, and offer your benevolent assistance. This will make the short person indebted to you for life.

Step 3: Care of Newfound Short Friend

Continued care for your short friend is required to ensure they will participate in your photoshoot. It can be difficult to navigate the intricacies of short customs.

Here are some pieces of advice:

  • When angry, do not look short friends in the eye.

  • Make a party strategy so you don’t have your short friend stolen.

  • Consider adding a tag so that someone can return your lost short friend.

  • Never feed your short friend after midnight.

There you have it! We hope this guide brings you great success. Check out our sequel to this article that discusses how to get rid of your short friend after the photoshoot. (Hint: just walk into a crowd.)



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