HAMPTONS, NY—Each blossoming school year brings with it the sweet promise of a more refined Duke. For SNU President William McKinsey, recently interviewed at his Hamptons home, where he was celebrating his father’s mistress’ 26th birthday, these improvements have already come.
“Our initial idea was just to have partygoers bring their parents’ tax returns to the door instead of bands” Harold proudly explained, “but then one of our sober brothers Kyle came up with this sick new acronym AA, which obviously stands for an automatic admission.”
McKinsey went on to list numerous examples of automatic admissions. “Your mom has a picture with Jeffrey Epstein and or Ghislaine? AA. Your older brother went to jail for tax evasion for 14 to 120 days? AA. You know how to launder money and are willing to show the brothers how for research purposes? AA.”
McKinsey reassured us that traditional assets were also enough to get into legendary SNU late nights. “We’re not madmen. We’ll accept any of the basics: proof of stock options, a minimum home value of $8.5 million, or photographic evidence that your dad’s third wife is at least a Midwest 9/California 7.”
Students on campus have already discovered a way around this radical new system. Sophomore Karen Schwartz explained how she hid in the bushes at one party and loudly pondered “why they couldn’t just print more money,” prompting brothers to rush outside in mass confusion.
The ploy backfired, however, when Karen was detained by undercover cops who heard there was coke at the party and wanted in.