Sophomores: not soft enough?


DURHAM, NC—You touched these guys?


Pillows, puppies, peaches, these things all have one thing in common—they start with “p.” Sophomores? Not so much.


The people, they get mad at me when I walk around campus with my big stick and poke them. Why? Is it my fault that they are so stick-like themselves? Do they loathe the touch of their own kind? Perhaps if they were more plush they would not feel such a sting.


“I am stupid and could be used as a drill bit for mining equipment.” said one sophomore who chose to remain unidentified. “I won’t get lunch with you because I have become emotionally hardened by the terrors of reality.”


I know what you’re thinking— freshmen: are they fresh enough? Let’s put it this way: I certainly wouldn’t put them in my grocery store.