DURHAM, NC—This morning, Duke revealed the mega-squirrels.
When reached for comment, President Vincent Price said, “What if our beloved campus squirrels got Covid-19? That would be wack. I am becoming death, destroyer of worlds.”
A couple days ago or something, Duke erected another tent on the main quads. Unfortunately, underneath festered the mega-squirrels, already injected with ten doses of J&J in a secret lab run by one Dr. Fauci. Take that, liberals.
All bus drivers were subsequently let go and replaced with the superintelligent squirrels, who take students on optimally calculated routes through the woods between classes. Former Driver Xavier Boch said, “These things can take you to class, and stop for a quick nut? I always had to go on break if I wanted a little foraging time.”
A student who asked to be identified as Lieutenant Lice (ROTC), said this of his trusty steed: “I would like to ride this squirrel into battle.”
Please take Squirrel-1 to the East Campus nut repository to receive your new NutPass!
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