Student accepted to Duke gets to feel smart for the last time

(AN HOUR FROM) CHICAGO, IL—Evanston high school senior Lily Kramer reported being extremely excited at her recent acceptance to Duke, blissfully unaware that this is her last chance to feel smart before she leaves for Duke.


“After 11 APs, 2 patents and a GPA of 4.0, I am so glad this acceptance from Duke has validated my intelligence,” exclaims Kramer, who will be drowning in her peers’ admiration until she meets some fellow first-years with a weighted GPA of 5.9/4.0 during o-week.


The aspiring surgeon who plans on double majoring in chemistry and history on a pre-med track finally feels worthy among her peers after being mercilessly bullied for years for being smart. What she does not know is she will once again think herself an incompetent human being when she reads on the class instagram about numerous other pfrosh who plan on being BME/Comp Sci/CulAnth triple majors with research assistantships already secured.


Currently, Kramer is wondering about whether or not her peers at Duke are even smart at all, considering Duke was kicked out of the top 10 schools. She looks forward to being top of her class.



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