DURHAM, NC—Duke Health is proud to announce that after years of tireless searching, medical professionals have finally isolated Alyssa Burton (Trinity ‘24).
Burton, a well-known superspreader, has infected countless students with her endless charm, quick wit, and heart of gold. The Duke Division of Infectious Diseases has announced it will be conducting a comprehensive, multi-year study on Burton’s personality in an effort to better understand what exactly makes her so lovable.
“Her smile has prevented me from being able to focus for weeks,” commented Tim McEvans (Pratt ‘25). “Now, I can finally get my grades back up and move on with my life.”
When questioned about how she feels about being quarantined, Burton cheerfully responded that she wants to help in whatever way she can and hopes this research will bring more joy into the world. She then curated a gift basket for the team that isolated her in the lab, sending personalized thank-you letters to each doctor.
“We were truly astonished by how transmissible her charisma is—we’ve never seen anything quite like it,” reported Dr. Gupta, a leading specialist in infectious personalities.
Duke Health recommends that anyone who has come into contact with Burton take a personality test to see if they are at risk of infection.
