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Study finds average Duke student 83% more morally questionable than advertised in their Common App


DURHAM, NC—Duke sociologists released the results of a study focusing on the morals of the university’s undergraduate population. According to the study, which combined text analysis of 400 undergraduate Common App essays and qualitative interviews, the average Duke student is 83% worse of a person than they claimed to be in their application essay.


Researchers found that many students originally described themselves as “empathetic,” “open-minded,” and “for the people.” The interviews, however, revealed that most students could be described as “aggressively capitalist” and “not super concerned with the wellbeing of others.” Additionally, the study found that virtually all non-profits created by Duke students in high school collapsed within days after acceptance.


President Vincent Price commented he was thrilled by the study’s results: “We’re almost catching up to the Ivy Leagues!”


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