DURHAM, NC—After years of determined research, a team with Duke Psychology and Neuroscience finally found an explanation for why pre-meds are such whiny little bitches. “While studying the sound waves of infants crying because they had to share, we realized that it sounded exactly like students complaining that STEM classes were so much harder, and that we didn’t understand because we aren’t going to med school,” explained Professor Simmers of the Med School. “Once we heard the connection, we began to follow ten toddlers. The ones who stole snacks from the others grew into competitive, ruthless students with superiority complexes. The toddlers who were comfortable sharing are now English majors.” Now that the researchers have filled in the missing links, the correlation feels obvious. How many times have you seen a pre-med throw their books down on the table, complaining about how all the humanities majors took up the seats in Perkins, and how “they don’t have real work anyway” and “don’t even have to take the MCAT” and that “law school is bullshit” and been reminded of your three year old cousin chucking cheerios at your head because you said you didn’t want to play tag? At press time, a pre-med student could be seen in the back of a Zoom lecture, yelling nonsense and angrily throwing soggy cheerios at the camera.
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