DURHAM, N.C.––When Vincent Price entered the Allen Building basement one Tuesday night, he didn’t expect to be greeted by a crowd of Cameron Crazies. The participants of Krzyzewskiville’s annual “Race to the Secret Spots” were equally surprised to see their president’s bulge through his bathrobe.
“It was really creepy,” says Jessie Labunto (Trinity ‘25), whose tent averaged 52nd across all 5 spots in the race. “For a second, everyone thought we’d have to fuck Vincent Price to get a white tenting spot. One of the tenters took off his clothes and started sprinting towards him, so everyone else did the same.”
On Wednesday, the University opened and subsequently closed an investigation into the Allen Building Sex Dungeon, ultimately finding that there was “nothing to worry about” as “no HARD sex was being had.” Their findings are contradicted by story posts from multiple tent Instagrams, which show a heavily-stained couch placed in front of the same video camera that recorded Price’s Climate Commitment announcement.
After Price returned to work on Thursday, he announced that White Tenting would be discontinued from 2024 and on. “Secret spots should be kept secret. You don’t see me breaking into your dorm rooms, at least not anymore.”