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The Fluke News Exclusive Interview with UNCVirginity

The University of North Carolina is ranked as one of the nation’s top schools in sending students home. However, UNC is currently generating attention not for their cases of Covid-19, but for their cases of virginity. The Instagram account @UNCvirginity has amassed nearly two thousand followers in under a month by spreading the gospel of purity to a new audience: Duke rejects. Popular for posts such as “What is a born-again virgin?” and their “Virgin of the Week” segment, this virtuous account is creating an online revolution to revive the abstinence movement. The Fluke News recently obtained a special interview with UNC Virginity to better understand their messaging:

Question: So tell me, what inspired you to make the UNC Virginity account?

Answer: “Our mission is to spread the message of virginity, and a place where virginity is the most threatened is on college campuses. We sadly saw the increasing number of non-virgins at UNC and in the triangle area, which inspired us to create our account. We saw a need in our community and decided to fill it.”

Q: Given the rapid success of your account, how does it feel to be the face of UNC on social media right now?

A: It’s very stimulating, completely nons*xually of course! We are so happy that so many people are along for this plutonic ride with us.

Q: Where do you see this account in the future? What are your goals?

A: We hope that someday we will be able to be THE virgin account for not only UNC Chapel Hill, but for every school in the UNC system. We want to spread the message of virginity as far as we can in this dark, dark world.

Q: That’s very admirable. So how hard was it for UNC students to stay pure at home after being sent off campus just a week after starting?

A: Pretty difficult, considering we all got bent over and railed by the BOG (UNC Board of Governors)

Q: Interesting word choice, but let’s switch from UNC to virginity. What’s your favorite quote or saying about virginity?

A: “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”—Deuteronomy 23:1; We really think this quote encaptures what it's like not to be a virgin. It’s as if one's balls are crushed. Now you don't want your balls crushed, right?

Q: Well, that’s a matter of debate, but that’s besides the point. Anyways, who is your virginity role model and why?

A: We have several! Sir Isaac Newton is one of our favorites and just isn’t talked about enough in the virginity scene. I mean, he literally invented calculus. No wonder why it was so easy for him to remain pure!

Q: I’ve been struggling lately with this so I was wondering if you could provide some advice: What are some good ways to control impure lustful thoughts?

A: Eating raw potatoes is a great way to calm down a raging hard-on. We also believe that using the acronym C.U.M.W.H.O.R.E. as a way to see what traits a true virgin would act. Celibate, Upbeat, Meaningful, Well-mannered, Honest, Optimistic, Resilient, Energetic. As long as those adjectives describe you, then you should be freed from lustful thoughts!

Q: What’s your favorite non-sexual position?

A: One very popular position among virginity clubs right now is the “22.” This is where 2 people kneel beside each other in deep prayer. Another position is the “0.” This is where one person curls up in fetal position and cries, the other then maintains a respectable distance and comforts them from afar.

Q: I’ll definitely have to try that sometime. What’s your opinion on Duke with regards to virginity?

A: We think you’re all quite good at protecting it. Your merch, your campus, and your basketball chants are perfect for maintaining your celibacy!

Q: Going off that, who do you think are bigger virgins: UNC or Duke students? Why?

A: This is a very tough question. I think that Duke students have it much easier when it comes to being celibate since they have so much Duke merch, which is a wonderful way to keep your virginity. However, I think UNC students are bigger virgins because after creating our account, we have been able to make reborn virgins out of many UNC students. It really is a movement.

Q: Finally, will you have sex with me? Please. I’m so alone. I need to feel the touch of another human being. I am desperate.

A: Nice try, but absolutely not! However, we wish you the best in your search for a pure relationship.



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