A Furious GoFundMe Exchange—After the bravery of Duke Greek Life rallying to save our sacred sexual assault echo-chamber “Shooters Saloon,” one question remains on the minds of the current students of Duke University: Who/What is SFK?
Over the past few days I have worked tirelessly to answer this question, and here’s what I found:
My investigation first started when I stepped outside of my dorm on the Kilgo Quad. Not focused on the ground below me, I accidentally squashed a tailed reptile resting by the steps. Was this SFK? A small lizard? Or, one could say, a “Small Freaky Komodo (dragon)?” My newly deceased friend didn’t seem particularly newsworthy, so my search continued.
Next, I found myself walking through the now-abandoned tents of our beloved Krzyzewskiville hoping to find some answers. My olfactory glands were assaulted by the aroma of decomposing tent leftovers, old beer, and piss. Wait, is THIS SFK? “Stinky Funky K-Ville?” Once again, recognizing that basketball season is over and therefore K-Ville is no longer topical, I wondered if such an investigation was hopeless. Could I, a humble journalist, ever find the answer? Or was I doomed to merely elicit soft exhalations through my readers' noses?
Taking a break from my hard work, I decided to unwind with the brothers of DSig in a friendly game of beer-pong. Embarrassingly, I failed to realize that it was actually Four Loko pong, and I was soon tongue-deep in a pledge. This led me to my next conclusion: maybe SFK was a frat basement mistake, a “Sloppy First Kiss” as you will. Sadly, this seems to be a reoccurring event for most girls at Duke, and therefore could not be the SFK inspiring ongoing online rioting and outrage.
In my drunken state, I knew there was only one way to cure my insatiable hunger: Pitchforks. Like every Duke student, that basement restaurant was going to save my night. What ensued was discovered yet another potential answer to who SFK was — “Some Falafel Killed.” A stretch, perhaps, but a delicious one. I quickly absorbed two orders of falafel with pita. Yet again, I realized that not everyone enjoys the Middle Eastern dish, so it probably wasn’t the spark that set off a wildfire on Duke students’ social media pages.
While sitting in Pitch, I suddenly realized that my Four Loko had been laced with hallucinogens. Awesome. That’s when it hit me. SFK was the “Smoking Funny Kangaroo” that had suddenly appeared at my table. After minutes of staring in disbelief at the marsupial in front of me, the Pitchforks employee kindly shook me and asked me to leave. I was destitute and in despair, realizing my search may be entirely fruitless. How could I let all that training, those late hours spent studying for my Policy, Journalism & Media Studies classes at Duke fail me?
That’s when divine intervention struck: I should check Instagram.
After sobering up and searching for a few minutes, it appeared that SFK is a former Tri-Delt and not, on the surface at least, a small lizard. Needless to say, I was disappointed.