DURHAM, NC—Duke Gardens caretakers report feeling as though “20 fishy eyes” are constantly watching them in the weeks following the horrific ‘Koi Killings’.
“It’s not that they’re just staring, they’re constantly giving me the side-eye,” claims Daniel Doug, Duke Gardens caretaker of 12 years. When told that fish are anatomically only capable of side-eyeing, he states that they “do it more than other fish.”
Doug also reports the fish “spitting” on him. “You’re looking at me like I’m crazy but I’m not crazy,” Doug testified with a slight insanity in his eyes. “They get the water in their little fish mouths and then spew it out all over my ankles. It’s inhumane.” The Koi declined to respond to this allegation.
“They also pretend they’re crying, like they’ll come up out of the pond and pretend like they have tears coming out of their eyes, but I know it’s just the water dripping off of them. It has to be. Right?” pondered Doug while pacing and wringing his hands.
By the end of the interview, Doug had grown belligerent and insisted that the Koi had infiltrated his home’s plumbing system, citing alleged “glub-glub noises” emanating from his kitchen sink.
When asked if Doug had ever read Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart,” he responded that he had, but couldn’t see why it was relevant.