NEW YORK, NY—The Secretary-General of the United Nations, António Guterres, has announced the dissolution of the nearly eight-decade-old international diplomacy organization.
The decision, which shocked the global community, was prompted by Duke’s 2024 Provost’s Forum on Palestine and Israel. Held on September 16th, the six-hour forum heard from several speakers and discussed issues of civil discourse and the humanitarian crisis. Guterres commended the university for its groundbreaking takes on the situation and for presenting ideas and discussions that “had never been conjured up before.” Most notably, audience members were moved to tears by the resounding closing statement by Provost Alec Gallimore, “Israel, look at me babe, this isn’t you.”
Guterres, supported unanimously by the UN General Assembly, voted to dissolve the United Nations. “I’m just speechless,” Guterres said about the university forum. “They’ve made us obsolete.” The Secretary-General lamented the absence of Duke’s Provost Forum during previous wars and conflicts. “The atomic bombs would’ve never dropped in a post-Provost’s forum world.”
He claimed that the forward-thinking dialogue and 360 minutes of discourse had effectively solved the issue while simultaneously preventing any new global conflicts. If any wars or disputes do arise, they’ll be a result of countries “just being bored and wanting to mess around”, Guterres said. “That’s on them.”
“Personally, I expected this,” said Gallimore. “The Provost’s Forum is the pinnacle of innovation—everyone needs to hear us say the same thing differently for 25% of an entire day.”
However, a key aspect of the UN will still be functional. To the delight of many high schoolers, Model UN will be unaffected by the recent developments. “The need for aggressive 17-year-old nerds has surpassed the need for the actual UN,” Guterres added.
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